It’s gonna hurt because it matters.

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Yes, that is a John Green quote.

I am so sad because when I made this blog I had no idea that all of my posts were going to be so depressing and focused on the idea of pain, suffering, love, hardships, etc. But I’m not really sorry for all of the cliche’ quotes and declarations of love because this is my life and this is what life and loving is like. This is what heartbreak looks like when you spit it out onto a virtual page. If you read these posts and you roll your eyes and think I’m extreme and dramatic and wonder why I’m not over it then that’s fine, I invite you to go. Or to continue to do so behind my back. But I want you to know that these feelings are hard. Loving, trusting, that’s hard shit to do. And as an existing human they’re nearly impossible to avoid. One day you’ll take your stay in the heartbreak hotel too.

I’ve been sitting in this hell hole for about 3 months now. That is not to say that I haven’t made the most of it. I’ve been having a good time with the opportunities that I’ve been given. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t hate the lonely time before I fall asleep where my mind is ravaged by the same depressing thoughts that build up during the day every. fucking. day. I want out of here. I want it to stop hurting. I have that thought so many times. And my mind keeps saying back “so what are you going to do about it?”

I’ve been wanting to do something about it. Some days it’s an urge to do something dramatic and awe-inspiring. Other days I’d barely be able to muster out a whimper.  But I came across this John Green quote again this evening and it reminded me of why I have such an urge to do something…

“Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters.”

Damn straight, John Green. GUYS, he’s so right. My heart hurts because this matters. And it’s not finished. I know that because every time I pray all I get is a ‘wait’ and all of these quotes about patience keep crossing my path. I know God is speaking to me. He’s telling me that He understands that it hurts, and that it hurts because it matters.

So if you’re going through a struggle, and if the holiday is re-emphasizing the literal ache inside of your body, remember that it matters. That you matter and that there is a purpose and something to be gained. Only God knows what that is and sometimes He doesn’t like to share right away.

I have never in my life felt the way I do about this one person. I have never been more convinced of something, except maybe of my calling to be a teacher. Over 3 months have passed and every day feels the same. Because it matters.

That’s all I have to offer right now.

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Thoughts About: The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

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I finished TFIOS yesterday and am still suffering from the belief that Augustus and Hazel are real people who suffered a real sImagetar crossed lovers’ tragedy. While I suppose in some respects there are metaphorical Augustus’s and Hazels around the world battling the vicious disease of cancer while trying to enjoy living and loving, I still can’t disconnect myself from the emotional attachment I feel for their particular story.

It just doesn’t seem fair. But as Augustus would say, “the world is not a wish granting factory.” Oh, how true it is.

I can’t even begin to pretend that I did not completely bawl my eyes out for the last few chapters of the book. It’s that good. Everything they say about it is TRUE. It’s adorable, it’s heart warming, it’s funny, it’s heart breaking. Perhaps what hurts me the most is that it is so real. The feelings they feel, and the fight they fight is so real. John Green ingeniously makes us have no choice but to be emotionally invested, it’s brilliant.

I finished the book of 313 pages in a little over 24 hours after starting it. I couldn’t put it down. The charisma of Augustus and the wittiness of Hazel captivated me. I loved everything about their story.

One thing that bothers me after reading the book is- why did they not get Isaac (Augustus’ and Hazel’s friend) a seeing eye dog?! I mean, unless he or someone in his family was allergic to dogs, I feel like a seeing eye dog would provide him some companionship after having been dumped by his girlfriend Monica.

I would absolutely recommend this book to everyone. I tried to get my boyfriend to read it too but alas, it is too much of a “chick book” for him. I cannot wait to watch the movie and have my heart ripped out all over again. Because with the sweet romance Augustus and Hazel, you don’t mind being hurt. Not one bit.