On a day like today, when the rain is slowly but surely pouring down on my tiny town and I ought to be doing homework, I like to bury myself under the covers in my dark room and stare at the same walls that I have stared at for nearly 20 years. Nearly 2 decades.
I think I find it hard to focus in this place because of all of the thoughts that nudge me to think about them. I wonder about my life and about life in general and I think about how simple it is to be alive and how complex it is to live.
When the sun is shining my soul is awakened and my heart is singing. When the rain is pouring, the need to withdraw into myself trickles in. I’m not depressed, I’m not moody- I’m thinking.
My thoughts turn to things that I have loved and things that I have lost. My list isn’t as long as others and in all honesty I have no right to complain. But today is a pensive, sorry-for-myself day and so there you have it.
I decided to use this Mumford lyric for this post because it speaks to me today. Sometimes I just miss the laughter, the smiles, the touches, the conversations, the sideways glances of days come and gone. I think about them and I just feel so lonely because I put so much of me into those precious moments. The moments that are now only held until my memory fails me. And then who will remember them? Who will remember our lives and the joy that filled them? We are so fleeting.
But like the quote says, what more can be done? We walk around daily pouring out little pieces of ourselves and what more is there? Who can blame us for loving whole-heartedly? Is there any other way to live a fulfilled life?
Once again, my main man C.S. Lewis said it the very best:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Having loved and having lost is something that is a staple of the human life. No one can blame us for being susceptible to vulnerability. Sometimes life smacks us in the face with pain and we wonder if we are at fault. If our pain is a result of having been so unguarded.
I’d just like to say that I hope that this lyric can be a testament to the way that I live. Is it my fault for loving with my whole heart? I’d rather do that than be accused of not loving enough. Some of the best days of my life were spent being 100% open with someone that I loved. Sometimes that causes me pain. But I’d never take it back. Not for one minute would I return to those days and regather my pieces to keep for myself.