Soggy.

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On a day like today, when the rain is slowly but surely pouring down on my tiny town and I ought to be doing homework, I like to bury myself under the covers in my dark room and stare at the same walls that I have stared at for nearly 20 years. Nearly 2 decades.

I think I find it hard to focus in this place because of all of the thoughts that nudge me to think about them. I wonder about my life and about life in general and I think about how simple it is to be alive and how complex it is to live.

When the sun is shining my soul is awakened and my heart is singing. When the rain is pouring, the need to withdraw into myself trickles in. I’m not depressed, I’m not moody- I’m thinking.

My thoughts turn to things that I have loved and things that I have lost. My list isn’t as long as others and in all honesty I have no right to complain. But today is a pensive, sorry-for-myself day and so there you have it.

I decided to use this Mumford lyric for this post because it speaks to me today. Sometimes I just miss the laughter, the smiles, the touches, the conversations, the sideways glances of days come and gone. I think about them and I just feel so lonely because I put so much of me into those precious moments. The moments that are now only held until my memory fails me. And then who will remember them? Who will remember our lives and the joy that filled them? We are so fleeting.

But like the quote says, what more can be done? We walk around daily pouring out little pieces of ourselves and what more is there? Who can blame us for loving whole-heartedly? Is there any other way to live a fulfilled life?

Once again, my main man C.S. Lewis said it the very best:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Having loved and having lost is something that is a staple of the human life. No one can blame us for being susceptible to vulnerability. Sometimes life smacks us in the face with pain and we wonder if we are at fault. If our pain is a result of having been so unguarded.

I’d just like to say that I hope that this lyric can be a testament to the way that I live. Is it my fault for loving with my whole heart? I’d rather do that than be accused of not loving enough. Some of the best days of my life were spent being 100% open with someone that I loved. Sometimes that causes me pain. But I’d never take it back. Not for one minute would I return to those days and regather my pieces to keep for myself.

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God’s Will vs. My Will… The battle continues

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“But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to?”

That right there^^ Yea, I feel that.

Sometimes I feel like I am in a constant battle. A battle where I tell God my desires and He takes them under consideration and says, “Okay Sarah, but what about this instead?” So I sigh and say, “Alrighty then God, if that’s what you say.”

But gee, what kind of a Christian am I? Should it really be that big of a deal for me to spend an extra hour talking to a friend when I know I should be studying? Should it really be that big of a deal for me to give a little extra money to a needy cause? Should it really be that big of a deal for me to give up 7 weeks of my summer to an organization that needs teachers? I say no! That’s not a big deal. That’s called sacrifice. And it’s not anywhere near what my Savior did for me. And it’s basically the bare minimum of what I should be doing.

BUT sometimes I just don’t want to have to do the right thing. I don’t want to have to tell the boy no- I like his attention. I don’t want to listen to my parents. I don’t want to have to have it together all the time. I don’t always want to dress and act like I should- I want to go out and party and make mistakes and ‘live’. I don’t want to have to be smart about how I spend my money- I want to splurge.

Okay, there is a point to my whining here so bear with me. God is working in me. I know that because of how confused I feel. I know it because sometimes it hurts. But there are moments when I catch a small small glimpse of what He’s doing in my life and wow- it’s going to be pretty beautiful from the looks of it.

I guess the point of this post was to let you know that you don’t have to be perfect to be a Christian or to be a follower of Jesus. His disciples weren’t the most upstanding. They were slow learners, selfish, inattentive and doubtful. Those adjectives all describe me. I know a lot of people who could attest to being the same way. But God doesn’t need a whole lot to work with. Give Him a little faith and He’ll take care of the rest.

I guess we can expect it to hurt because sometimes the Truth does that. And I guess we can expect to be confused because God’s ways are much too high for us to even comprehend. Kind of like how I feel when I look at Algebra x 5,000.

If you feel like you’re struggling to live your faith daily, to rid yourself of doubt, to comprehend God’s will for you, to be unselfish in your desires and actions… You’re not alone. You’re among friends.

What makes you lonely?

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Our guest speaker Dannah Gresh asked us this question yesterday. It’s one I ask myself all the time.

I feel lonely. Why? I am surrounded by people.

I long for companionship and the close intimacy with someone that I had before I once again became a single almost-20-something. I find myself missing what used to be and longing for it to return. But then I am reminded of the fact that that is impossible. History often repeats itself because we are foolish enough not to study it and learn from it.

Sometimes we like to bury our histories in the graveyards of our hearts. There lie the bones of lost friendships, embarrassing encounters, regrettable actions, scraps of insults. Sometimes we need to let bygones be bygones and continue on, not as if it didn’t happen but as best as we can considering the fact that it did. Other times, we need to properly put them to rest so that they can’t haunt us later.

In the moments of loneliness I am challenged to face my demons. My history is rising from the ground like a zombie- if you will. It tempts me to want to run to it, only to discover too late that I’m being buried with it all over again.

Because I’m a Christian, when I became aware of my wrongdoing, I repented of it to my Savior, who saved me from myself and my sin- once again. So why is it still making me feel isolated? Why does it still insist on making me feel lonely? I have been forgiven by my God. But maybe not by myself. God has said “it’s okay.” But I’m not sure that I can affirm that to myself and actually believe it.

I know that the only way to put this to rest properly is to work through it and really heal, instead of burying it away. In the process, there are setbacks, there are moments of hopelessness, rejoicing, despair, encouragement…loneliness.

So what makes me lonely? I do.

If you’re struggling with a skeleton in your closet, or you haven’t fully released yourself from the sin that Jesus already freely pardoned, I would encourage you to meditate on the promises of His word. Dig down deep into the hurt, and surrender it to Him as fully as you can. That’s what is really comforting me right now. Eventually, reading His promises and affirming them to yourself (even out loud if you have to) I believe that you will be able to fully accept and believe them. You will be freed from your loneliness at last.

P.S. It wouldn’t hurt to ask forgiveness from the person you hurt along the way (especially if that person is yourself).

Healing.

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Whoa. If God works and speaks throughout the rest of the semester the way He has been the last two weeks, we’re all in for the ride of our lives.

My heart is so overwhelmed today because of the sheer goodness of my God. His voice is not so still and small as it is roaring from within me lately. Let me try to explain…

In chapel this morning, we had a special guest speaker, Dannah Gresh. Her platform is pretty much all about sex. Sexual sin, temptation, healing, freedom. This woman is so full of passion about her ministry that one can’t help but be convicted. But for some reason, I had a nagging in my mind. Why was this bothering me so much? I thought I was over this whole brokenness thing. I was under the foolish impression that I had somehow surpassed my weakness. Since coming back to campus, I’ve been doing a ton of rejoicing. I thought over break, some miracle had been worked on me. I was cured of my hurt. I was beyond it.

But sin has a way of leaving scars and coming back to haunt us. I decided that I needed to hear more of what she had to say, so I went to her alternative chapel service. Holy heck, did I learn.

God spoke right into my soul through her. He showed me that I am not healed. I am forgiven. I am healing. I know that I am healing because:

1. I can see my own brokenness and I can admit it.

2. I can hear His voice.

3. I am becoming more fruitful.

All of these things are true of my current journey. I am so thankful to God for it! Everything is becoming so clear, so meaningful. His purposes and His ways astound me.

God has also made it very clear that the ministry that He has called me to at this point in my life is going to require growth in the areas where I am currently the most weak. And I am intimidated by that challenge. Honestly, it scares me to death. But I know that God has not forsaken me so far, and I have a promise that He never will (Joshua 1:9)

I have so much farther to go and there is so much more that I could say. But, what I want to leave you with today is the affirmation that God is working through your situation. Whether it is one of rejoicing and fruitfulness or one that feels a lot like despairity. God knows our weaknesses and that is where His grace comes in. It is sufficient and it is overwhelming.

I would recommend that you be bold, be honest (first and foremost, with yourself), and seek God’s will.

Please comment and give me your feedback! 🙂

Why I’m a grenade.

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So I know I’m kind of stealing this idea of being a grenade from Hazel from TFIOS but I think she has a valid point. While it may be a cynical idea, I think it has an argument going for it. We are all grenades in the lives of the people we love.

WHY? Why do we hurt the people that we love the very most? I’m sorry to say that I don’t really have much of an answer to this question.

I think that once we love someone and we know they love us back, we don’t worrygrenade_by_nighthawk101stock so much about keeping ourselves in check. We become comfortable and then BAM! Our guard is down and so is theirs and suddenly there’s shrapnel everywhere.

The interesting thing is that if someone really loves you, they can just move o
n and pretend like it didn’t even happen. Like you didn’t just blow up in their face and surprise them with the ferocity of your explosion.

I feel utterly terrible for hurting the people that I love so dearly with all of my heart and soul. But loving me comes with consequences. Loving any human is risky. We’re all human and all fall short, I know this. I also know that putting your hope and trust into a human being can only lead to disappointment. So for being human I cannot apologize. But for poorly controlling my explosions I can, and do, apologize. I try to please everyone and I fail miserably 99.9% of the time.

“I’d catch a grenade for ya, throw my hand on a blade for ya…” -Bruno Mars

But that doesn’t make sense does it? You’re the grenade Bruno.

 

Cynical post terminated.