Heartbreak is not the worst thing.

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If you had told me this half a year ago, I would have probably wanted to cut you and said, “don’t try to understand my pain!” But now that I have some time and experience under my belt, I can tell you with a fair amount of confidence that there are worse things than heartbreak.

God asks us to have our hearts broken for Him all the time and sometimes we even directly ask for it (‘break my heart for what breaks yours…’). Heartbreak is healthy, it grows us.

There are plenty of times when we don’t ask for heartbreak but our actions put us on the fast track toward it. Those times are usually when it really hurts the most because our pride gets pretty damaged in the process as well. What we thought was sure and true was actually shaky and unreliable. What we thought was going to save us actually sunk us. Ouch.

An aptly timed C.S. Lewis quote came into my life and taught me a thing about heartbreak that I didn’t really fully understand until today. Maybe I still don’t fully trust it. Anyway,

“But then, being hurt is not the worst thing in the world. Better to have suffered and grown than to never have suffered at all. In fact, most growth is accompanied by pain. God can use heartache as well as headache to help us grow.”

I was thinking today about my own heart and how when it aches I become a sorry for myself mess. And how I’m being so selfish because there are people out there with much bigger problems than a little heartache. And that’s when I remembered this quote and it finally dawned on me that I’m okay. I once was broken and lost in my misery but the joy of the Lord has once again dawned in my life. He has not forsaken me and He was by my side throughout the whole thing. Shaping me, teaching me, and comforting me. He was preparing me for the next thing that He has planned for my life and I couldn’t be more thrilled with the direction that it’s headed in.

In fact, I’m actually thankful for my hard time because it has made me all the more thankful for this time that I have now. Not only that, but it has helped me be more receptive to God’s glory manifested in my life. How can we regret anything that helped us to encounter glory?

Guys, our weakest moments and our greatest hurts really do make us into the people that we’re meant to be.

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It’s gonna hurt because it matters.

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Yes, that is a John Green quote.

I am so sad because when I made this blog I had no idea that all of my posts were going to be so depressing and focused on the idea of pain, suffering, love, hardships, etc. But I’m not really sorry for all of the cliche’ quotes and declarations of love because this is my life and this is what life and loving is like. This is what heartbreak looks like when you spit it out onto a virtual page. If you read these posts and you roll your eyes and think I’m extreme and dramatic and wonder why I’m not over it then that’s fine, I invite you to go. Or to continue to do so behind my back. But I want you to know that these feelings are hard. Loving, trusting, that’s hard shit to do. And as an existing human they’re nearly impossible to avoid. One day you’ll take your stay in the heartbreak hotel too.

I’ve been sitting in this hell hole for about 3 months now. That is not to say that I haven’t made the most of it. I’ve been having a good time with the opportunities that I’ve been given. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t hate the lonely time before I fall asleep where my mind is ravaged by the same depressing thoughts that build up during the day every. fucking. day. I want out of here. I want it to stop hurting. I have that thought so many times. And my mind keeps saying back “so what are you going to do about it?”

I’ve been wanting to do something about it. Some days it’s an urge to do something dramatic and awe-inspiring. Other days I’d barely be able to muster out a whimper.  But I came across this John Green quote again this evening and it reminded me of why I have such an urge to do something…

“Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters.”

Damn straight, John Green. GUYS, he’s so right. My heart hurts because this matters. And it’s not finished. I know that because every time I pray all I get is a ‘wait’ and all of these quotes about patience keep crossing my path. I know God is speaking to me. He’s telling me that He understands that it hurts, and that it hurts because it matters.

So if you’re going through a struggle, and if the holiday is re-emphasizing the literal ache inside of your body, remember that it matters. That you matter and that there is a purpose and something to be gained. Only God knows what that is and sometimes He doesn’t like to share right away.

I have never in my life felt the way I do about this one person. I have never been more convinced of something, except maybe of my calling to be a teacher. Over 3 months have passed and every day feels the same. Because it matters.

That’s all I have to offer right now.

Why I hate break ups.

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If you’re looking for an angsty teenager post about break ups then I invite you to please go away now. Because believe it or not, this post is not about how my ex is an asshole. And I’m not going to bore you with the details of the expiration of our love story. They’re too sappy and the only one who cares about them is me and frankly, I’m getting pretty sick of the whole story myself.

Because I’m a creature that incessantly pins quotable quotes to my designated Pinterest board daily, let me introduce one that suits this topic of discussion beautifully: “When a person does something wrong, don’t forget all of the things that they did right.”

This can be true of forgiving anyone of a wrong deed, whether it directly affected you or not. I am applying this quote to my break up, call me a cheese ball if you wish. Throughout the process of the past few months, people have said to me things like “he’s an ass, you deserve better” or “someday you’ll find a nice guy that puts you first” (don’t even get me started on that one!) or “he didn’t even treat you like he loved you” (isn’t that a kicker?).

I don’t know if I can possibly articulate just how much these kind of “encouragements” piss me off. While they are coming from a place of good intentions, they are total BS.

GUESS WHAT: Yes, I had a break up- old news. Yep, the old ticker is still broken- but slowly on the mend. Yes, I did want to hate him for a while- but I don’t. Yes I did love him and yes I still do. Yes I thought he was the greatest and yes I do still think he is a great person. And NO that will not change just because of something that went wrong.

I loathe when people are so “in love” with a person while said person is doing everything for them and being nice to them. But the second things go sour, they get berated with a full account of every wrong thing they ever did, every flaw, and every name in the book. It’s just not fair and honestly, it’s stupid. If you love someone, and I mean the kind of love that cares deeply and unselfishly about them as a quality human being, then you do not hate them just because they changed their mind, made a mistake, or hurt you (because news flash- that’s what humans do and that’s the risk you take when you love a human).

Instead, in the midst of the angst, I would invite everyone to take two logical seconds to remember that this person has made a mistake but that they have done a lot of things right.

Think about those things and be thankful for them. Show them grace for their mistake or their change of heart. Forgive them as soon as you can and let them know that they’re forgiven (it’ll be best for everyone). And then try your best to heal from your brokenness and learn something from the experience.

Right now, that’s all I’ve got. But this is my campaign to end the business of hating exes.