Heavy

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It’s just one of those days where everything feels heavy and even though nothing is particularly wrong, nothing is right.

Today I feel like I am being pulled in directions that I don’t want to go in. My heart misses Wilmington, Delaware and the family that I got to be a part of there. And I miss the kids there so much. Thinking about them and our conversations and all of the hugs and laughs gives me great joy and also makes me miss them so much it hurts a little bit.

For whatever reason, it seems like God called me to Delaware because that’s where He knew I could finally listen to Him and see what it really means to serve Him with all of my heart. I have never felt more alive than I did in this one summer. I was exhausted a lot of the time, I was hot and sweaty, I was frustrated and sometimes very grumpy… but despite all of that, I knew I had a purpose there. And that was enough. Just to know that God was using me and strengthening me.

I got back home and was thrust back into school life. And for whatever reason, I just don’t feel nearly as fulfilled in that. I don’t feel God’s presence as strongly as I did before. I don’t feel like I’m really doing anything important to serve Him. Schoolwork already feels like drudgery.

Maybe I’m just not as plugged into the Source as I was in Wilmington. There I was surrounded by a community that was always talking about Jesus. Always singing to Him. Always pointing each other back to Him. And we had lots of time set aside to study the Word and worship.

Back at home I think I give myself a license to slack on quiet time. And plus, so many other things are vying for my time and attention. Between homework and meetings and classes, I feel like I don’t have time for the really important things like spending time with the people I love, for spending quality time with Jesus, or even just for sitting and thinking.

I know I sound like I’m complaining. And maybe I am. I’m trying to decide what God is telling me through this time and the feelings I’m having.

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Real talk.

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I sound like a broken record. But I’m that girl. That girl that has to do her own thing and make her own decisions regardless of how questionable they might be. You might say that I don’t have to make shitty choices. But actually, I’m convinced that’s how I learn best. Unfortunately, I’m one of those people that learn things the hard way.

And on top of that, I’m a slow learner. Not only does it take one experience to teach me something, but I usually have to repeat it, enlarging the damage that I’m creating until I’ve dug myself a neat little hole that I can’t possibly climb out of without some serious tribulation.

And it is in the climbing out that the learning happens. I look around and I’m confused about how I got into this predicament in the first place.

When I finally get myself into the light again, on solid ground, I take a look at myself and realize that something has changed. Maybe it’s not dramatic but it’s definitely different. You can never come out unscathed.

That’s the sucky part. Learning via experience hurts- yourself and other people that matter to you. So what’s a girl to do when she wants to love people and be loved but doesn’t want to hurt them? From what I’ve learned so far, you just have to do it. You just have to love and make mistakes and learn from them. I read this super awesome quote in a Thought Catalog article the other day and it sums up my conclusions:

 I will keep telling the story of me making mistakes and eventually being real to myself, of me being strong and not afraid to move on, of me being human, being young, being a reckless loser, wanting something I can’t have, realizing I don’t need it, accepting the past, learning to respect myself and believing in something that’s just right for me out there. After all, that’s what life is about, isn’t it?

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 So that’s it. I’ve learned that I’m a doubter. I wish I could take Truth and instantly accept it but instead I have to put myself through trails and put that Truth to the test. Thankfully though, God is faithful and always draws me back in. He meets me where I am with grace and forgiveness and shows me the way back to solid ground. Sometimes I wonder why I was created this way but I’m starting to embrace it because the lessons that I learn are convicting but powerful ones.

And I’m always thankful for a good lesson because that means I’m moving forward. And there’s really no better place to go.