Expectations

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I talk a good talk about how I think people ought to conduct themselves. I have firm convictions about what I think is right and wrong. I have expectations for myself and others that I believe should be met…until I have to make a decision.

When it comes right down to it, when people are looking to me for an answer, when I have to decide how I really feel, I falter. All of my principles go out the window. Everything that I use to organize my life crumbles and I’m thrown into the depths of chaos.

I’m weak. I collapse under the weight of my own and others expectations.

And most unfortunately, I pull people into that chaotic place with me. I avoid the hard things. I talk and talk until I can’t anymore and rapidly drive my train of thought right onto the ice where I’m bound to sink.

I want to do the easy thing. I want to do the thing that hurts people, and eventually myself.

Yes, you read that correctly. I’d like to say that I’m not in the business of hurting people that I care about but I am. I do it all the time. And yes I know that being a human means that we mess up. We hurt people. People hurt us. It’s all part of life.

But when it’s your fault that someone else is disappointed, hurt, angry…fill in the blank, it sucks. And it hurts you too.

So what do we do? I’m still trying to figure this one out.

I know I’ve written a blog post similar to this before which just goes to show that I have a lot to work on in this area.

So far all I know is that it’s important to be honest. Honest with yourself about realistic expectations. And honest with other people about whether or not you are going to be able to meet their expectations. This is key to any successful relationship. It can be hard to be honest. Sometimes even honesty can hurt. But in the end I think it’s better to have been the person that confidently declared their thoughts while they still knew┬áthem than passively allowing the situation/relationship to progress and allowing confusion to set in for all parties involved.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I wish there wasn’t so much ambiguity in our world. I wish that I wasn’t so scared of my actions and feelings affecting others. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could never hurt another human heart.

I’ve got some work to do. But I have learned this much thus far. Unfortunately, my track record suggests that I may have another post like this in my future. I’ll try to keep working on this and sharing what little wisdom I have.

If anyone has any advice to offer me here, that would be cool.

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Just say it.

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I’ve been debating so furiously within myself lately about saying the things that are viciously swirling about in my mind, clawing their way out.

Today the opportunity presented itself and like the wimp that I am, I didn’t take it. Why do we hesitate when we know so clearly what needs to be said?

I say ‘we’ because I know I’m not alone in this. Here is a small sample of songs that support my point:

Let It All Out- Relient K (a personal fav. right now)

Speak Now- Taylor Swift

Say Something- A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

Say- John Mayer

Embarrassingly enough, this is not the only instance in my life in which I have done this kind of stupid thing. If it bothers me so much, eats me up inside, sets my heart into a state of turmoil… Why do I shut my mouth like a steel trap?

Because I’m scared.

Scared of being hurt. Of having animosity with someone. Of causing them discomfort. I want to protect everyone. I want to keep my heart safe.

Well guess what, like my post before emphasized (It’s Gonna Hurt Because it Matters), often the things that scare us most are the most important things to do. Doesn’t that just make you feel warm and fuzzy?

It doesn’t do much for me besides scare the absolute heck out of me.. You see, lately I’ve been doing a lot better. Healing from some collateral due to a broken heart and bad decisions. I’m emerging from my past, victorious because of Jesus. My day was dawning. But one thing was nagging- has been nagging for months and that is this: “Say it.” And I kept saying, “Not now, now is not the time.”

Well, today God said that it was now or never. He said that my joy could be greater. He said that it was time to forgive and be forgiven. And I still shied away. I still ignored the still small-but insistent-voice. And I knew as soon as I walked away that I was going to regret this one.

It happens so often in life, that we hurt the ones that we have come to love the very most. There are various reasons for this so I can’t say that the answer is the same for everyone. I think that for me, the main reason is that I get too comfortable. I take their love for granted. Unfortunately, hurting someone you love hurts you too, I daresay, possibly even more.

I’d like to start a new trend in my life where I make it a point to be thankful every day for the people that I am blessed to be surrounded by. Not to take them for granted, but to remind them that their love, friendship, and companionship are important to me. In saying this, I decided that even though it’s going to be unpleasant, I have to heed the voice. I have to say what needs to be said. I’m holding myself to this by setting the day and time when the conversation is going to take place. Until then, I’m going to pray my heart out and perfect my words so that they come out lovingly and honestly.

God does not always give us a sure-fire sign for what He wants us to do. In fact, most of the time He doesn’t. But when He does, He’s not messing around and we shouldn’t be either.

If it scares and confuses the heck out of you, I say DO IT!

What’s intimidating you? Is there a tiny voice in your head, encouraging you to do something that doesn’t quite make sense to you? What is something that you’ve gone out on a limb and done?