I talk a good talk about how I think people ought to conduct themselves. I have firm convictions about what I think is right and wrong. I have expectations for myself and others that I believe should be met…until I have to make a decision.

When it comes right down to it, when people are looking to me for an answer, when I have to decide how I really feel, I falter. All of my principles go out the window. Everything that I use to organize my life crumbles and I’m thrown into the depths of chaos.

I’m weak. I collapse under the weight of my own and others expectations.

And most unfortunately, I pull people into that chaotic place with me. I avoid the hard things. I talk and talk until I can’t anymore and rapidly drive my train of thought right onto the ice where I’m bound to sink.

I want to do the easy thing. I want to do the thing that hurts people, and eventually myself.

Yes, you read that correctly. I’d like to say that I’m not in the business of hurting people that I care about but I am. I do it all the time. And yes I know that being a human means that we mess up. We hurt people. People hurt us. It’s all part of life.

But when it’s your fault that someone else is disappointed, hurt, angry…fill in the blank, it sucks. And it hurts you too.

So what do we do? I’m still trying to figure this one out.

I know I’ve written a blog post similar to this before which just goes to show that I have a lot to work on in this area.

So far all I know is that it’s important to be honest. Honest with yourself about realistic expectations. And honest with other people about whether or not you are going to be able to meet their expectations. This is key to any successful relationship. It can be hard to be honest. Sometimes even honesty can hurt. But in the end I think it’s better to have been the person that confidently declared their thoughts while they still knew them than passively allowing the situation/relationship to progress and allowing confusion to set in for all parties involved.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I wish there wasn’t so much ambiguity in our world. I wish that I wasn’t so scared of my actions and feelings affecting others. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could never hurt another human heart.

I’ve got some work to do. But I have learned this much thus far. Unfortunately, my track record suggests that I may have another post like this in my future. I’ll try to keep working on this and sharing what little wisdom I have.

If anyone has any advice to offer me here, that would be cool.


Tell me what you want.


So, in case you haven’t noticed, I quote C.S. Lewis like it’s my job. I’m not sorry because that guy was a freaking genius. Had I been alive during his time I would’ve married him. His intellect would have been intimidating and his faith would have put mine to shame but wow, just imagine listening to him talk every day in real life.

I love that man. I think that if anyone knew what love was in this world it was him. The way he spoke of his wife was inspiring. His love for her was so evidently passionate but also practical. When Joy passed away, the way he described his grief was so depressing and heavy. It literally breaks my heart to read it:

“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.”

“…But her voice is still vivid. The remembered voice- that can turn me at any moment into a whimpering child.”

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”

You get the point. He loved her so deeply. I want that! I want to be loved that deeply and passionately by someone. I want to love someone like that. I thought I did once. But that love wasn’t perfect. So now I’m searching/waiting for someone that I can strive for the kind of perfect love that the Bible mentions in 1 John 4:18 (“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”)

But wow, when I think about being in love, I know how awesome that is. And it makes me want it so much again. It’s exciting, it makes you glow, walk on air, laugh at nothing and everything at the same time, gives you heart palpitations, makes you feel like singing, makes you smile for no reason, makes you want to get pretty on a Saturday morning just because you feel like it… That’s cool stuff.

Then I read a quote by C.S. Lewis and I realize how satisfying it might be to have the kind of love he had with Joy. According to this quote, their love was practical. It was real. It was a true unity that was reliable and quietly sustainable. I would love to find a wonderful Christian man to marry who could lead me in modeling Christ’s love to the world. Someone who would cherish me. Cherish me when I’m there, when I’m gone, always. Someone who could guide me and encourage me.

I just sometimes wonder where that guy is and how long I’m going to have to wait for him. Unfortunately, single Christians have this struggle because we have high standards for our mates. We have expectations that need to be met. Sometimes I worry that I want too much. Or that I want to wrong thing.

I have this fear that having a healthy Christian relationship with someone could be well…boring. I’m a hopelessly romantic idealist when it comes to love and all of the restraint required…all of the work involved. Not so romantic. Not so exciting. Not really what floats my boat…

But what I want now and what I used to want are becoming very different things. What C.S. Lewis describes sounds pretty good to me. He was an admirable Christian man who had about as much passion as I like to think that I have. I’ll take it.

Now…here’s hoping he’s out there.

Bro talk.


I have a fantastic little brother. We were having a conversation tonight and he offered to write a blog post for me. Just to try his hand at it and offer his thoughts and a little wisdom of his own. I know you’ve never met this kid but let me tell ya, you don’t turn down an offer like that. So here it is, and I must say, I’m impressed.

TASK: Write a blog for my sister.

Well, I didn’t know what I was taking on when I asked “Can I write a blog post for you?” So here I am staring at a computer screen trying to think about what to write. Suddenly it comes to me as I think. What you say doesn’t matter, It’s how you handle yourself. Recently I’ve been the victim of useless ranting. At school and when I get home. It seems as if I can’t escape it. Also, It’s only about trouble with men, or should I say boys. This is a problem for a lot of girls I know, and I suffer from a similar problem (only with women of course). At a time in everyone’s life, a feeling arises that makes us feel like we need someone to be with just to show off and feel wanted. Been there, done that, and I’m only 16! My freshman year of highschool I felt like I needed a girlfriend to be worth something. I quickly came to the realization that it wasn’t so. Another person in your life can be a burden just asking to drag you down into the pits of no where. I find another person nagging me is just a distraction, and if you really feel like that’s what you want, find a good friend who talks a lot and engage in a conversation in something other than having a relationship.

A Youtuber that I’m currently big on (wranglerstar) gives great lessons and advice based on prior experiences. I looked to his videos to get a take on relationships. He says that It is not necessary to have a relationship until you can support it financially, spiritually, and mentally. I agree with the way this was phrased. Another person can be a setback to a step in your future, whether it be buying a vehicle to get to your job or buying a home to live in. Get yourself financially set for your future and then think about another person to take care of.

Now to the spiritual take on that. You need to get yourself right with God before you jump into the undertaking of a husband or wife. If you are quick to choose, how do you know you are making the choice God wants you to have? A wise man once said “Good things come to those who wait.” so by saying that, I recommend taking some time and thinking your choices through. You’ll know they’re the right one if you listen for the small still voice of God telling you your choice has been wise.

And lastly, let’s not forget, the most important; being mentally prepared for this. Having someone telilng you their problems and feelings openly is a big thing to take on. The more you’re prepared, the easier it will be for you to give open advice. Another quote from Wranglerstar I like is “chance of survival favors the prepared”. By no means am I saying relationships are by chance, but you have to be prepared for anything. And by saying anything, I mean anything at all. Honesty and openness is a huge part of testing how mentally prepared you are.

I feel like I’m going no where, so i’m going to end this here. I like feedback so tell me where I can improve and if you got anything out of this message. At least now I can say I tried!

Happy Endings…?


“There are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part. So give me a happy middle and a very happy start.” -Shel Silverstein

Spoken like the true children’s poet that he is.

Feeling inspired and poetical tonight, I come to you with the question: Does God promise us a happy ending?

As Christians, we are promised the happiest of all endings. An eternity with our Creator, deliverance from our earthly toils…

But having recently experienced an ugly break up and also having recently watched The Notebook, I want to know if my happy ending is ever going to come. Noah and Ally broke up and were separated for seemingly forever. Ally was going to get married to another man. And then she and Noah found each other again and had their “it’s you, it’s always been you” moment and then lived happily ever after.

I just want to know if my happy ending is out there and if it’s really going to be worth it.

Am I being to selfish? I know that God hears my prayers and knows the desires of my heart but I can’t help feeling sometimes like I’m not trying hard enough to line my will up with His…

It ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.


The other day I was watching my very favorite movie in the whole world, Grease, and there is a moment that happens between Frenchy and Vi (the waitress) that I love.

Frenchy: “Beauty school sure isn’t what I thought it was going to be.”

Vi: “Nothing ever is.”

How wise Vi is. Speaking the truth to a lost high-school drop out with big dreams. That’s right kids, sorry to burst your magical little bubble. At the ripe old age of 19 I have come to this conclusion: nothing is ever what it’s cracked up to be. We look forward to so many things in our lives and seek satisfaction through numerous pursuits. And the result is always the same- it isn’t quite what we thought it would be. We try to convince ourselves that it’s great. We may even argue that we’re better off having gotten less than what we expected. But really, our expectations have been squandered once again.

Here are just some relateable examples: you have a crush on someone- they reveal a fatal character flaw that ruins the whole perfect image you set up for them in your head. You study your night away for a test, you take the test and nothing you studied is on it, you fail, it sucks. You buy a new device that’s supposed to be the latest and greatest and then you realize you don’t know how to function it and when you do figure it out you hate it and it’s dumb. You pour your heart into a relationship that looks to you like everything you could have ever possibly wanted, the relationship crashes and burns along with your hopes and dreams. You’re left with jagged pieces of a broken heart that no one in their right mind would bother trying to put back together, for fear of getting cut in the process themselves. You move out to embrace you independence and realize that you really can’t keep yourself together to save your soul. You pray to God for an answer and the one you get isn’t the one you expected nor the one you cared to receive. You work your tail off all day everyday and after paying the bills the only money you have left for groceries is enough to buy Ramen and Spagetti O’s. You get married and life is perfect and suddenly your husband needs a liver to live and there are no viable livers in sight. You eagerly anticipate the birth of a baby only to be told that the baby is not going to live past 3 hours after birth. You make a friend and say you’re going to be friends for life, you talk everyday and then suddenly, you don’t talk at all. You plan and you plan and you organize and you are sure that this time- just this once it’s all going to work out and then- NOPE. Life smacks you in the face and laughs once again.

If any of these sounds familiar to you, then congratulations. You’re learning how unfair and fallen this world that we live in is. The beauty is hard to find isn’t it? The only beauty I’ve found so far amongst all of these tragedies is this: “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

So that’s the good news. Jesus knew that there was going to be trouble. He saw it first hand. He literally walked among us and shared our heartache. And He still does everyday! Hence why He died to save us from all of that. To give us peace and hope and ultimate joy and a future with Him.

The world sucks sometimes. But “it is finished”. Thank you, Jesus.