Real talk.

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I sound like a broken record. But I’m that girl. That girl that has to do her own thing and make her own decisions regardless of how questionable they might be. You might say that I don’t have to make shitty choices. But actually, I’m convinced that’s how I learn best. Unfortunately, I’m one of those people that learn things the hard way.

And on top of that, I’m a slow learner. Not only does it take one experience to teach me something, but I usually have to repeat it, enlarging the damage that I’m creating until I’ve dug myself a neat little hole that I can’t possibly climb out of without some serious tribulation.

And it is in the climbing out that the learning happens. I look around and I’m confused about how I got into this predicament in the first place.

When I finally get myself into the light again, on solid ground, I take a look at myself and realize that something has changed. Maybe it’s not dramatic but it’s definitely different. You can never come out unscathed.

That’s the sucky part. Learning via experience hurts- yourself and other people that matter to you. So what’s a girl to do when she wants to love people and be loved but doesn’t want to hurt them? From what I’ve learned so far, you just have to do it. You just have to love and make mistakes and learn from them. I read this super awesome quote in a Thought Catalog article the other day and it sums up my conclusions:

 I will keep telling the story of me making mistakes and eventually being real to myself, of me being strong and not afraid to move on, of me being human, being young, being a reckless loser, wanting something I can’t have, realizing I don’t need it, accepting the past, learning to respect myself and believing in something that’s just right for me out there. After all, that’s what life is about, isn’t it?

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 So that’s it. I’ve learned that I’m a doubter. I wish I could take Truth and instantly accept it but instead I have to put myself through trails and put that Truth to the test. Thankfully though, God is faithful and always draws me back in. He meets me where I am with grace and forgiveness and shows me the way back to solid ground. Sometimes I wonder why I was created this way but I’m starting to embrace it because the lessons that I learn are convicting but powerful ones.

And I’m always thankful for a good lesson because that means I’m moving forward. And there’s really no better place to go.

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Thoughts.

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To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what this blog post is about so if you are confused and don’t see the point that’s because I don’t have a defined end point in mind.

I just know that I saw this quote and thought that it describes me in a nutshell right now. I’m an over-thinker and an over-talker. I can’t always say what I mean and most of the time that’s because I don’t actually know. I’m dazed and confused. Driven by desires, passions, and the will to do good.

Sometimes my passion conflicts with my will to do good and over powers it. And that’s when I find myself laying in bed, saying to God, “show me what to do”, and hoping for clarity. It’s in those moments when it literally does feel like I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole; I can squint up at the light but I can’t see any way of climbing out into it.

I’m afraid that I’m a terribly confused person with very little of life figured out. And I’m afraid that that hurts people that care about me. And I’m afraid that I’m a person that must learn from experiences that are not ideal and I’m afraid that I can’t change that fact about myself.

I know that sometimes I learn lessons the hard way but at least I learn them, right?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though I walk around with my head in the clouds a lot of the time, I really am trying to find my footing here on earth. Just trying to see where I stand in God’s plan for His world.

Sometimes we fall into rabbit holes because our minds have gone for a stroll without giving our feet any clear directions about where they’re supposed to be walking. That’s okay too.

Expectations

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I talk a good talk about how I think people ought to conduct themselves. I have firm convictions about what I think is right and wrong. I have expectations for myself and others that I believe should be met…until I have to make a decision.

When it comes right down to it, when people are looking to me for an answer, when I have to decide how I really feel, I falter. All of my principles go out the window. Everything that I use to organize my life crumbles and I’m thrown into the depths of chaos.

I’m weak. I collapse under the weight of my own and others expectations.

And most unfortunately, I pull people into that chaotic place with me. I avoid the hard things. I talk and talk until I can’t anymore and rapidly drive my train of thought right onto the ice where I’m bound to sink.

I want to do the easy thing. I want to do the thing that hurts people, and eventually myself.

Yes, you read that correctly. I’d like to say that I’m not in the business of hurting people that I care about but I am. I do it all the time. And yes I know that being a human means that we mess up. We hurt people. People hurt us. It’s all part of life.

But when it’s your fault that someone else is disappointed, hurt, angry…fill in the blank, it sucks. And it hurts you too.

So what do we do? I’m still trying to figure this one out.

I know I’ve written a blog post similar to this before which just goes to show that I have a lot to work on in this area.

So far all I know is that it’s important to be honest. Honest with yourself about realistic expectations. And honest with other people about whether or not you are going to be able to meet their expectations. This is key to any successful relationship. It can be hard to be honest. Sometimes even honesty can hurt. But in the end I think it’s better to have been the person that confidently declared their thoughts while they still knew them than passively allowing the situation/relationship to progress and allowing confusion to set in for all parties involved.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I wish there wasn’t so much ambiguity in our world. I wish that I wasn’t so scared of my actions and feelings affecting others. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could never hurt another human heart.

I’ve got some work to do. But I have learned this much thus far. Unfortunately, my track record suggests that I may have another post like this in my future. I’ll try to keep working on this and sharing what little wisdom I have.

If anyone has any advice to offer me here, that would be cool.

Control.

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Sarah’s latest revelation, comin’ atcha…

I’m a little bit of a control freak. Anyone who knows me knows that. And I think deep down even the most laid back person you know has a control freak inside of them.

I did not come to this revelation on my own, nor do I think I ever would have. But there’s this thing I do in my life when I make a decision and it’s called worry about everyone else and pretend like my decisions have momentous impact on their lives.

Newsflash to me: I’m responsible for me, not them. AND I’m not that important. My decisions don’t control their actions.

I guess I just agonize about my decisions because I feel responsible for other’s well being. I feel like I need to show them what’s right, do what’s best for everyone. How ironic considering how often I do things wrong and don’t even do what’s best for myself.

I cannot choose the path that someone must take. I can’t decide what God’s will is for them. In fact, when I do, I’m letting the little god inside of me take over and then can’t do whatever it is that God is willing me to do.

Ultimately, I can only seek God’s will for my life and make decisions that further it. And when I don’t, it’s no one’s fault but my own. Maybe when I do things wrong, I help lead someone astray. But maybe I’m not the boss of them. Maybe when I do something right and preach about it to someone I positively influence them. But maybe it’s not in my power to control their actions.

I am in no way saying that we ought not to take responsibility for our actions. Not at all. We are responsible for our own self-control. I am saying that we are not responsible for the actions of  others.

I guess it goes back to that thing people always say about teens, that they’re not as big a deal as they think they are.

I’m not in control. You’re not in control. God is in control.

I need to be reminded of this every. single. day. Because I really ride the struggle bus on this one, friends.

Not much to say.

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Ironically titled isn’t it? Considering my last post was about how I have infinitely many things to say and not the courage to say them.

I’ve reconsidered.

Maybe there is a time and place to just say it and by it, I mean everything. But I do think the conditions often promote a “just say what needs said and get out of here” kind of situation.

When I was considering what to blog about today, I had this thought, “I don’t know, I really don’t have much to say.” But that’s perfect because that’s been my revelation this week.

Sometimes your heart cries out with a novel’s worth variety of sentiments, complaints, questions and apologies. Sometimes that’s too much. Sometimes that’s not what needs to be said.

It was brought to my attention that sometimes all it really takes to free a person is one sentence. “I’m sorry for hurting you.” or “I forgive you for hurting me.”

For me, condensing my thoughts is quite a process. I end up feeling like this:

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It all boils down to these questions: Is this really important? WHO is this important for?

For me the answer to the first question is a resounding ‘YES!!!!’ and the answer to the second is ‘I’m not sure, Lord.’ Because it really is ultimately God that knows the answer to that question. I know it’s important to me because He’s laid it on my heart, He’ll take care of the rest.

So, moral of the story… Sometimes you don’t have to say much to say it all.

Bro talk.

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I have a fantastic little brother. We were having a conversation tonight and he offered to write a blog post for me. Just to try his hand at it and offer his thoughts and a little wisdom of his own. I know you’ve never met this kid but let me tell ya, you don’t turn down an offer like that. So here it is, and I must say, I’m impressed.

TASK: Write a blog for my sister.

Well, I didn’t know what I was taking on when I asked “Can I write a blog post for you?” So here I am staring at a computer screen trying to think about what to write. Suddenly it comes to me as I think. What you say doesn’t matter, It’s how you handle yourself. Recently I’ve been the victim of useless ranting. At school and when I get home. It seems as if I can’t escape it. Also, It’s only about trouble with men, or should I say boys. This is a problem for a lot of girls I know, and I suffer from a similar problem (only with women of course). At a time in everyone’s life, a feeling arises that makes us feel like we need someone to be with just to show off and feel wanted. Been there, done that, and I’m only 16! My freshman year of highschool I felt like I needed a girlfriend to be worth something. I quickly came to the realization that it wasn’t so. Another person in your life can be a burden just asking to drag you down into the pits of no where. I find another person nagging me is just a distraction, and if you really feel like that’s what you want, find a good friend who talks a lot and engage in a conversation in something other than having a relationship.

A Youtuber that I’m currently big on (wranglerstar) gives great lessons and advice based on prior experiences. I looked to his videos to get a take on relationships. He says that It is not necessary to have a relationship until you can support it financially, spiritually, and mentally. I agree with the way this was phrased. Another person can be a setback to a step in your future, whether it be buying a vehicle to get to your job or buying a home to live in. Get yourself financially set for your future and then think about another person to take care of.

Now to the spiritual take on that. You need to get yourself right with God before you jump into the undertaking of a husband or wife. If you are quick to choose, how do you know you are making the choice God wants you to have? A wise man once said “Good things come to those who wait.” so by saying that, I recommend taking some time and thinking your choices through. You’ll know they’re the right one if you listen for the small still voice of God telling you your choice has been wise.

And lastly, let’s not forget, the most important; being mentally prepared for this. Having someone telilng you their problems and feelings openly is a big thing to take on. The more you’re prepared, the easier it will be for you to give open advice. Another quote from Wranglerstar I like is “chance of survival favors the prepared”. By no means am I saying relationships are by chance, but you have to be prepared for anything. And by saying anything, I mean anything at all. Honesty and openness is a huge part of testing how mentally prepared you are.

I feel like I’m going no where, so i’m going to end this here. I like feedback so tell me where I can improve and if you got anything out of this message. At least now I can say I tried!

Opportunity knocks and I turn the lock.

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Speaking with a very wise woman last night brought a little bit of perspective to something that I think is worth addressing: Decisions.

I personally make decisions based on the future. I don’t think I’m a statistical anomaly either. I’m pretty sure a lot of us think about the future before we make a decision that is going to affect us and our comfort level there. But this very wise woman said to me, “You think too much about the future. You’re living in the present. Think about what’s happening now. Have fun! Don’t shut the door of opportunity before you even have a chance to see what’s on the other side.”

I had to laugh because that sounds so silly. How could I live in the present without even considering how it’s going to affect the hopes and dreams of tomorrow?

But then I realized that I’m actually hurting myself. What she said is true. I’ve been so focused on the door that was shut to me that every time another one opens I run over and shut it and return to staring at the only door that I want to open to me. And that door might not ever open again. What a waste of time! It sounds so ridiculous when I think of it that way. I’m shutting down opportunity almost as quickly as it happens.

I’d like to resolve to allow myself to make profitable decisions in the present and not worry so much about what they have to do with my future but I don’t know if I’ll be able to break that streak in myself.

On the other hand, I think that I already have made decisions that have changed everything and in the moment I didn’t know how important they were. I was just living.

So I guess what I’m really resolved to do is live? Thankfully, I do have some experience with that.