Heavy

Standard

It’s just one of those days where everything feels heavy and even though nothing is particularly wrong, nothing is right.

Today I feel like I am being pulled in directions that I don’t want to go in. My heart misses Wilmington, Delaware and the family that I got to be a part of there. And I miss the kids there so much. Thinking about them and our conversations and all of the hugs and laughs gives me great joy and also makes me miss them so much it hurts a little bit.

For whatever reason, it seems like God called me to Delaware because that’s where He knew I could finally listen to Him and see what it really means to serve Him with all of my heart. I have never felt more alive than I did in this one summer. I was exhausted a lot of the time, I was hot and sweaty, I was frustrated and sometimes very grumpy… but despite all of that, I knew I had a purpose there. And that was enough. Just to know that God was using me and strengthening me.

I got back home and was thrust back into school life. And for whatever reason, I just don’t feel nearly as fulfilled in that. I don’t feel God’s presence as strongly as I did before. I don’t feel like I’m really doing anything important to serve Him. Schoolwork already feels like drudgery.

Maybe I’m just not as plugged into the Source as I was in Wilmington. There I was surrounded by a community that was always talking about Jesus. Always singing to Him. Always pointing each other back to Him. And we had lots of time set aside to study the Word and worship.

Back at home I think I give myself a license to slack on quiet time. And plus, so many other things are vying for my time and attention. Between homework and meetings and classes, I feel like I don’t have time for the really important things like spending time with the people I love, for spending quality time with Jesus, or even just for sitting and thinking.

I know I sound like I’m complaining. And maybe I am. I’m trying to decide what God is telling me through this time and the feelings I’m having.