I talk a good talk about how I think people ought to conduct themselves. I have firm convictions about what I think is right and wrong. I have expectations for myself and others that I believe should be met…until I have to make a decision.
When it comes right down to it, when people are looking to me for an answer, when I have to decide how I really feel, I falter. All of my principles go out the window. Everything that I use to organize my life crumbles and I’m thrown into the depths of chaos.
I’m weak. I collapse under the weight of my own and others expectations.
And most unfortunately, I pull people into that chaotic place with me. I avoid the hard things. I talk and talk until I can’t anymore and rapidly drive my train of thought right onto the ice where I’m bound to sink.
I want to do the easy thing. I want to do the thing that hurts people, and eventually myself.
Yes, you read that correctly. I’d like to say that I’m not in the business of hurting people that I care about but I am. I do it all the time. And yes I know that being a human means that we mess up. We hurt people. People hurt us. It’s all part of life.
But when it’s your fault that someone else is disappointed, hurt, angry…fill in the blank, it sucks. And it hurts you too.
So what do we do? I’m still trying to figure this one out.
I know I’ve written a blog post similar to this before which just goes to show that I have a lot to work on in this area.
So far all I know is that it’s important to be honest. Honest with yourself about realistic expectations. And honest with other people about whether or not you are going to be able to meet their expectations. This is key to any successful relationship. It can be hard to be honest. Sometimes even honesty can hurt. But in the end I think it’s better to have been the person that confidently declared their thoughts while they still knew them than passively allowing the situation/relationship to progress and allowing confusion to set in for all parties involved.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I wish there wasn’t so much ambiguity in our world. I wish that I wasn’t so scared of my actions and feelings affecting others. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could never hurt another human heart.
I’ve got some work to do. But I have learned this much thus far. Unfortunately, my track record suggests that I may have another post like this in my future. I’ll try to keep working on this and sharing what little wisdom I have.
If anyone has any advice to offer me here, that would be cool.