Tell me what you want.


So, in case you haven’t noticed, I quote C.S. Lewis like it’s my job. I’m not sorry because that guy was a freaking genius. Had I been alive during his time I would’ve married him. His intellect would have been intimidating and his faith would have put mine to shame but wow, just imagine listening to him talk every day in real life.

I love that man. I think that if anyone knew what love was in this world it was him. The way he spoke of his wife was inspiring. His love for her was so evidently passionate but also practical. When Joy passed away, the way he described his grief was so depressing and heavy. It literally breaks my heart to read it:

“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.”

“…But her voice is still vivid. The remembered voice- that can turn me at any moment into a whimpering child.”

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”

You get the point. He loved her so deeply. I want that! I want to be loved that deeply and passionately by someone. I want to love someone like that. I thought I did once. But that love wasn’t perfect. So now I’m searching/waiting for someone that I can strive for the kind of perfect love that the Bible mentions in 1 John 4:18 (“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”)

But wow, when I think about being in love, I know how awesome that is. And it makes me want it so much again. It’s exciting, it makes you glow, walk on air, laugh at nothing and everything at the same time, gives you heart palpitations, makes you feel like singing, makes you smile for no reason, makes you want to get pretty on a Saturday morning just because you feel like it… That’s cool stuff.

Then I read a quote by C.S. Lewis and I realize how satisfying it might be to have the kind of love he had with Joy. According to this quote, their love was practical. It was real. It was a true unity that was reliable and quietly sustainable. I would love to find a wonderful Christian man to marry who could lead me in modeling Christ’s love to the world. Someone who would cherish me. Cherish me when I’m there, when I’m gone, always. Someone who could guide me and encourage me.

I just sometimes wonder where that guy is and how long I’m going to have to wait for him. Unfortunately, single Christians have this struggle because we have high standards for our mates. We have expectations that need to be met. Sometimes I worry that I want too much. Or that I want to wrong thing.

I have this fear that having a healthy Christian relationship with someone could be well…boring. I’m a hopelessly romantic idealist when it comes to love and all of the restraint required…all of the work involved. Not so romantic. Not so exciting. Not really what floats my boat…

But what I want now and what I used to want are becoming very different things. What C.S. Lewis describes sounds pretty good to me. He was an admirable Christian man who had about as much passion as I like to think that I have. I’ll take it.

Now…here’s hoping he’s out there.


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