Control.

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Sarah’s latest revelation, comin’ atcha…

I’m a little bit of a control freak. Anyone who knows me knows that. And I think deep down even the most laid back person you know has a control freak inside of them.

I did not come to this revelation on my own, nor do I think I ever would have. But there’s this thing I do in my life when I make a decision and it’s called worry about everyone else and pretend like my decisions have momentous impact on their lives.

Newsflash to me: I’m responsible for me, not them. AND I’m not that important. My decisions don’t control their actions.

I guess I just agonize about my decisions because I feel responsible for other’s well being. I feel like I need to show them what’s right, do what’s best for everyone. How ironic considering how often I do things wrong and don’t even do what’s best for myself.

I cannot choose the path that someone must take. I can’t decide what God’s will is for them. In fact, when I do, I’m letting the little god inside of me take over and then can’t do whatever it is that God is willing me to do.

Ultimately, I can only seek God’s will for my life and make decisions that further it. And when I don’t, it’s no one’s fault but my own. Maybe when I do things wrong, I help lead someone astray. But maybe I’m not the boss of them. Maybe when I do something right and preach about it to someone I positively influence them. But maybe it’s not in my power to control their actions.

I am in no way saying that we ought not to take responsibility for our actions. Not at all. We are responsible for our own self-control. I am saying that we are not responsible for the actions of  others.

I guess it goes back to that thing people always say about teens, that they’re not as big a deal as they think they are.

I’m not in control. You’re not in control. God is in control.

I need to be reminded of this every. single. day. Because I really ride the struggle bus on this one, friends.

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something new

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Check this out people!

robinsonandy12

I’m not sure what I want to write about now, but  I felt like I should write something. I guess a question came up in my head tonight: why can’t we just call things like we see them? Look at a child who barely has a grasp on life and is still learning, they ask questions and say what they see. Why can’t we do that?

I came up with a few reasons why

  • Our thoughts are best kept to ourselves in some situations,
  • We don’t think things through well enough,
  • Most importantly, we are afraid.

In a recent event of change in my life, I felt like I was stabbed in the back by someone I have known for quite some time now. Yes, I am still a bit bitter on the subject and will remain to be for a bit longer. I handed someone trust and it just got…

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Not much to say.

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Ironically titled isn’t it? Considering my last post was about how I have infinitely many things to say and not the courage to say them.

I’ve reconsidered.

Maybe there is a time and place to just say it and by it, I mean everything. But I do think the conditions often promote a “just say what needs said and get out of here” kind of situation.

When I was considering what to blog about today, I had this thought, “I don’t know, I really don’t have much to say.” But that’s perfect because that’s been my revelation this week.

Sometimes your heart cries out with a novel’s worth variety of sentiments, complaints, questions and apologies. Sometimes that’s too much. Sometimes that’s not what needs to be said.

It was brought to my attention that sometimes all it really takes to free a person is one sentence. “I’m sorry for hurting you.” or “I forgive you for hurting me.”

For me, condensing my thoughts is quite a process. I end up feeling like this:

augie

It all boils down to these questions: Is this really important? WHO is this important for?

For me the answer to the first question is a resounding ‘YES!!!!’ and the answer to the second is ‘I’m not sure, Lord.’ Because it really is ultimately God that knows the answer to that question. I know it’s important to me because He’s laid it on my heart, He’ll take care of the rest.

So, moral of the story… Sometimes you don’t have to say much to say it all.

Just say it.

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I’ve been debating so furiously within myself lately about saying the things that are viciously swirling about in my mind, clawing their way out.

Today the opportunity presented itself and like the wimp that I am, I didn’t take it. Why do we hesitate when we know so clearly what needs to be said?

I say ‘we’ because I know I’m not alone in this. Here is a small sample of songs that support my point:

Let It All Out- Relient K (a personal fav. right now)

Speak Now- Taylor Swift

Say Something- A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

Say- John Mayer

Embarrassingly enough, this is not the only instance in my life in which I have done this kind of stupid thing. If it bothers me so much, eats me up inside, sets my heart into a state of turmoil… Why do I shut my mouth like a steel trap?

Because I’m scared.

Scared of being hurt. Of having animosity with someone. Of causing them discomfort. I want to protect everyone. I want to keep my heart safe.

Well guess what, like my post before emphasized (It’s Gonna Hurt Because it Matters), often the things that scare us most are the most important things to do. Doesn’t that just make you feel warm and fuzzy?

It doesn’t do much for me besides scare the absolute heck out of me.. You see, lately I’ve been doing a lot better. Healing from some collateral due to a broken heart and bad decisions. I’m emerging from my past, victorious because of Jesus. My day was dawning. But one thing was nagging- has been nagging for months and that is this: “Say it.” And I kept saying, “Not now, now is not the time.”

Well, today God said that it was now or never. He said that my joy could be greater. He said that it was time to forgive and be forgiven. And I still shied away. I still ignored the still small-but insistent-voice. And I knew as soon as I walked away that I was going to regret this one.

It happens so often in life, that we hurt the ones that we have come to love the very most. There are various reasons for this so I can’t say that the answer is the same for everyone. I think that for me, the main reason is that I get too comfortable. I take their love for granted. Unfortunately, hurting someone you love hurts you too, I daresay, possibly even more.

I’d like to start a new trend in my life where I make it a point to be thankful every day for the people that I am blessed to be surrounded by. Not to take them for granted, but to remind them that their love, friendship, and companionship are important to me. In saying this, I decided that even though it’s going to be unpleasant, I have to heed the voice. I have to say what needs to be said. I’m holding myself to this by setting the day and time when the conversation is going to take place. Until then, I’m going to pray my heart out and perfect my words so that they come out lovingly and honestly.

God does not always give us a sure-fire sign for what He wants us to do. In fact, most of the time He doesn’t. But when He does, He’s not messing around and we shouldn’t be either.

If it scares and confuses the heck out of you, I say DO IT!

What’s intimidating you? Is there a tiny voice in your head, encouraging you to do something that doesn’t quite make sense to you? What is something that you’ve gone out on a limb and done?

Something that I miss.

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My posts have been so heavy lately. Because my thoughts have been a wonder storm and I haven’t quite known what I was thinking until I read it later on. But I thought it was definitely time for a lighthearted post. Again, thanks to a prompt I found on Pinterest.

The prompt: Something you miss.

Impossible to name just one thing, so I’ll name a few.

I miss how it felt when I was little and had $20 to spend on vacation. I felt wealthy and privileged. Now, I wonder how long $20 is going to last.

I miss the way it felt running through the sprinkler in the back yard. I felt like a fancy little model in my one-piece bathing suit. I would frolic around in the water like I was a dancer. My dad would hold me right over the steady stream and I would shriek and laugh my head off.

I miss high school dances. Having filthy feet, ruined hair and disgusting amounts of sweat. But the biggest smile and the best time just dancing with friends as if we didn’t have to go back to school Monday and be normal people again.

I miss spending my summer days at my grandparents’ house. Making a mess, eating candy, and going to the playground with grandpa after he got home from work.

I miss the way my dad and I used to say goodnight, touching our thumbs together- our secret thing.

I miss Saturdays spent simply playing with my brother. And I miss reading Junie B. Jones and making him so mad by not showing him the pictures on purpose.

I miss going to my old church. It was so tiny but at the time, I was so small that it all seemed so big. I would sit on the heater vent in the sanctuary to keep warm on cold Sunday mornings.

I miss friends who eventually went separate ways.

I miss the simple, beautiful moments of being in love.

I miss simplicity.

Basically, I miss the times when I could be a carefree child. When my mistakes were smaller, my expenses were smaller, my problems were smaller, my worries were smaller.

Don’t get me wrong, growing up has its perks. But the nostalgia I have for the days that came before is overpowering sometimes.

What is one of your favorite childhood memories? What’s something you miss?