It’s gonna hurt because it matters.

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Yes, that is a John Green quote.

I am so sad because when I made this blog I had no idea that all of my posts were going to be so depressing and focused on the idea of pain, suffering, love, hardships, etc. But I’m not really sorry for all of the cliche’ quotes and declarations of love because this is my life and this is what life and loving is like. This is what heartbreak looks like when you spit it out onto a virtual page. If you read these posts and you roll your eyes and think I’m extreme and dramatic and wonder why I’m not over it then that’s fine, I invite you to go. Or to continue to do so behind my back. But I want you to know that these feelings are hard. Loving, trusting, that’s hard shit to do. And as an existing human they’re nearly impossible to avoid. One day you’ll take your stay in the heartbreak hotel too.

I’ve been sitting in this hell hole for about 3 months now. That is not to say that I haven’t made the most of it. I’ve been having a good time with the opportunities that I’ve been given. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t hate the lonely time before I fall asleep where my mind is ravaged by the same depressing thoughts that build up during the day every. fucking. day. I want out of here. I want it to stop hurting. I have that thought so many times. And my mind keeps saying back “so what are you going to do about it?”

I’ve been wanting to do something about it. Some days it’s an urge to do something dramatic and awe-inspiring. Other days I’d barely be able to muster out a whimper.  But I came across this John Green quote again this evening and it reminded me of why I have such an urge to do something…

“Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters.”

Damn straight, John Green. GUYS, he’s so right. My heart hurts because this matters. And it’s not finished. I know that because every time I pray all I get is a ‘wait’ and all of these quotes about patience keep crossing my path. I know God is speaking to me. He’s telling me that He understands that it hurts, and that it hurts because it matters.

So if you’re going through a struggle, and if the holiday is re-emphasizing the literal ache inside of your body, remember that it matters. That you matter and that there is a purpose and something to be gained. Only God knows what that is and sometimes He doesn’t like to share right away.

I have never in my life felt the way I do about this one person. I have never been more convinced of something, except maybe of my calling to be a teacher. Over 3 months have passed and every day feels the same. Because it matters.

That’s all I have to offer right now.

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